Warper News Network - December 2017
by yoshi3000
Summary: In the multiverse, there are many possibilities. How about one where most of Dragon Ball cast are newscasters? Wait what? A bit of a crack fic to set some things for Project Blackthorn. Rated T for suggestive humor, meta humor, political jabs, and even more metahumor. Minor crossovers. Happy Holidays to 2017!


**A/N: The following is a parody and a fanfiction. I own only my characters and the plot. I also don't apologize for the following political jokes, but I will apologize if any other joke offends you.**

* * *

 **The Warper News Network**

 **December Edition 2017**

* * *

 **(Cues: Z-TV Techno Song)**

The logo flashes with three letters, "WNN", the Warper News Network. WNN is one of the three major news networks among reality warpers.

 _"WNN, the place that's not fake-conservative Fox, idiotically liberal MSNBC, and more classy than Nude News Network. We're the Warper News Network bringing you our neutral outlook! Introducing your favorite anchors, God of Destruction Beerus and his much cooler assistant, Whis." The announcer said as the lights shine on the set._

 _Beerus and Whis were in matching business suits instead of their usual wear. This time they are wearing Christmas hats._

"Merry Christmas and happy holidays to all, we have a lot to talk about." Beerus said taking a sip of a coffee out of an unfamiliar mug.

"Where did you get that mug?" Whis asked.

"Stole it off a Dumbledore-knockoff." Beerus said. "But never mind, that! To the news!"

Whis rolled his eyes and shuffled his papers.

"In politics, the scandal with King Hercule has come to a head. While the sexual assault allegation against him was proven false, the allegations he had affairs that result in two illegitimate children being under everyone's noses. We could not reach King Hercule for comment, but we cut to our reporter out in the field." Whis said before the camera changed.

* * *

The camera cuts to the streets of Herculopolis (Satan City) as the reporter in the field was none other than Raditz. Yes, he was also wearing a suit and tie.

"Greetings viewers of the multiverse, I am Raditz." Raditiz greeted. "We're here in the festering hole which is Satan City. As you can see, Hercule is fleeing for his life."

The cameraman turns to show Hercule running dodging energy blasts from…Videl who wanting flying after him with tears in her eyes evident she was betrayed.

"Videl did not take the news well." Raditz said jokingly.

"Help me!" Hercule said running up to Raditz.

Videl was jet set in wanting to blast Hercule to the great beyond charging a large white sphere in her hands.

"Hell no! If I do, my standing on the fanbase food chain would collapse. Piss off!" Radtiz said punching the "champ" through a building. "Back to you, Whis and Beerus!"

BOOM!

* * *

The camera is changed back to focus on Beerus and Whis who were laughing over what they just saw.

"That destruction was delicious!" Beerus said mirthfully.

"Let's move on. In Warper news, sixth rank warper, Gilda von Gyra has been named the newest member of Elite Council apparently recommended by Elite Councilman Jeremy Kris." Whis remarked as an image of Gilda von Gyra is shown on the TV screen.

"Apparently, Elite Councilwoman Katsumi II has only now found out about it and has given her approval for Gilda's promotion. A statement given to us by the Black Baroness quoted, "I am pleased to know that Jeremy has selected a noble and trustworthy individual to aid in making the Order a more efficient place. I will be happy to work alongside her."" Beerus remarked.

"In other news, the Blackthorn clan member few talk about is receiving an updating bounty." Whis remarked as an image of a young man shows up on the TV Screen.

On the screen was a male looking about fifteen years of age. His light tan skin was a tell-tale sign he was of mixed breed. Despite being seated, you could tell he was about at Katsumi's height of 5'7". He had his father's silver eyes with an ocean blue tint around them. His hair was black and red mixed rather naturally. He wore a dark red motorcycle leather jacket with black linings unzipped showing a dark v-neck grey undershirt with a shiny Greninja motif, dark red gi pants, and dark red ninja sandals. His hairstyle was similar to Ryker's but a tad longer. Tied around his waist on top of the sash was a black hitai-ite bearing the insignia for Uzugakure and a recently scratched Blackthorn insignia on the side of it.

"The infamous half-breed and first 10th level warper to be born from one 10th level warper parent, Tatsuya. He was the third in the mysterious group of 10th level warpers called the Nazo Trio, one of being Councilwoman Katsumi herself. The oldest of the trio, Ryoshiro, has gained notoriety as one of the best Time Patrollers in the galaxy. While not on the extremes of his siblings, Tatsuya is well known for being one of youngest prodigies in scythe combat." Whis explained.

On the TV screen, the new wanted poster is shown. The picture used for it is more recent of Tatsuya wielding his scythe to slice through a building.

 **WANTED Dead or Alive: "The Silver Shinigami of Black Whirlpools" Tatsuya U. Blackthorn – 50,000,000 – 10th Rank – Active**

"Apparently, his bounty has increased due to the formation of a small team he has. While WNN could not identify all of them, we can confirm that one of his team is the sister to " ** _Apathetic Acolyte" Mortimer Smith_** _._ Thus, as a precaution, the Elite Councilman Bat-mite has set a bounty on her head." Beerus said gesturing to the screen to show the new wanted poster. "The wanted poster's image was done by **Giahna Pantano.**

The image used for the wanted poster was of Summer Smith armed with a custom portal with her lab coat wrapped around her waist. Her outfit was slightly different than most other Summers.

 **WANTED Dead or Alive: "Harbinger of Mad Science" Evangeline Summer Smith – 30,000,000 – 6th Rank – Active**

"We now cut to Frieza on news for villains…oh and my condolences to Bulma's Japanese VA. A true loss for the community." Beerus said wiping a tear away.

* * *

(Cues: [Dragon Ball Z: Supersonic Warriors 2 Music] - Cutscene 1)

The camera shifts to Frieza who's also in a business suit with special trimming. He was casucally torturing a minon when the cameraman says they're live. Frieza blasts the minon without a second thought.

"Hello everyone, is it your favorite tyrannical rule, Lord Frieza, and today it's news for all you villainous and dickheaded warpers out there!" Frieza said cheerfully. "Our first line of business is concerning rumors of a warper war out of there."

Frieza's face twisted into rage.

"Now as a warper, I like being able to do whatever I hell I want within the Order's rules, so when someone threatens the order of things, we get angry. Oh yes, Dimensio, I'm speaking out to you." Frieza said seething.

"Uh, Fri-gahhh!" A minion said before Frieza blasted her making her a stain on the wall.

"Hey Frieza, that was your 12th minion and December's barely started!" The cameraman says annoyed.

"Oh, shove it, Sharpner." Frieza said flipping him off.

Sharpner rolled his eyes at the Ice-jin who could easily snap his neck. For his stupidity, he got a mug to the face from Frieza.

"In other news, since the downfall of the Tenin and Frost clans, many have been after their clan secrets. While few were found, an OU owned by the Frost, Coda-2, is rumored to a stronghold for Frost treasures. However, there has been a force field shielding it and minor infighting to get in. As for the Tenins, it was discovered that the Tenins were dealing in sex trafficking Twi'leks for cash. This "disgusting" practice was discontinued thanks to the untimely death of the clan leader. Of course, another warper picked up what was the left and continued it." Frieza said with no remorse. "You can pick yourself an experienced or fresh Twi'lek slave at Terra-Alpha-X4."

From offscreen, Bulma yelled, "That's terrible! How you be cheerful about the sexual trade of those poor women!"

"There's male Twi'leks available too." Frieza said rolling his eyes. "K..ok…bye! Back to you, Beerus!"

* * *

(Cues: The Boondocks type instrumental - Soul Child - Neo Soul Instrumental)

The camera shifts back to Beerus and Whis who adding eggnog to their mugs of gingerbread schnapps. They knew a good long sip to savor the milky flavor before addressing their viewers. Before they could speak, their TV screens is hacked to a crazed fan who looks like he has not slept more than three hours. The music apparently changes.

 **(Cues: Outlast Official Soundtrack _ 39 Reveal)**

 **"It's about to come! The war! The war! The force of lust is last to show! The battle won't start until the players are all caught up!" He raved.**

 **The room the fan was in was full of papers, the walls caked with marked and ravings of calculations, and it was all seemingly cluttered and nonsensical.**

 **"Pinkamena jacked up the timeline! She changed the present and she doesn't too know. The advantage Dimensio would have had isn't in his hands in this timeline. Someone else has it, but nobody knows who, damn it!" The fan raved. "The timeline is merging, the timeline is shifting, and the outcome isn't set in stone anymore."**

 **The fan broke down raving about time before the feed dies out with the fans maddening and sickening laughter…**

 **(Music Ends…)**

"Uh….who the hell was that?" Beerus said shaken.

"A man who tried peer into the mind of a warper and tried to rationalize it." Whis said sadly.

"Well…this is a good thing as ever to end…" Beerus said before the door to the studio was kicked open.

Out of it came Ozpin, the headmaster of Beacon.

"YOU! You stole my mug!" Ozpin said cocking a dust-powered shotgun.

"Oh shit, he found me!" Beerus said in a panic before turning to a determined tone. "You'll never take me alive!"

Beerus took off as Ozpin gave chase leaving Whis to bid the viewership. The show quickly goes to end credits when Ozpin opens fire.

* * *

A/N: Another news day done! Not much too mock political wise, so I improvised. As usual, I lay the plan, but I did you did not expect me to use a "crazed fan" to do it. Look forward to the next year's edition! Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all!


End file.
